What Not to Do

That is what I should have named my blog. What Not to Do as a Mom When You are in Certain Situations. Yup, never, under any circumstances take parenting advice from me. If I ever comment on your blog and foolishly leave some anecdotal advice, just delete it, ignore it, put disclaimers to your other readers to not heed the advice from Joelsa. I'm pretty sure that what I do when faced with a crisis, is the recommended course of action in Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck's Guide to Parenting, and not Dr. Sears.

Today was the start of a new session at the YMCA. Elysha cried nearly everyday about not wanting to go into the pool. So I decided to just sign her up for a dance class while Joey is in swim class.

Joey has been swimming phenomenally these days when Chang and I take the kids into a pool. She was really excited about going into the pool and showing her old teacher how she can now swim, blow bubbles, lift up her head to take a breath, and keep swimming--all without a floatie. But she was assigned a new teacher. And God forbid...he is a BOY! Gross! Cooties! Although I do not want her to be "friendly" with boys until she is 30, in these situations, I suppose it is perfectly acceptable. The moment she realized that her teacher was going to be a boy, she buried her face into my back and refused to make eye contact with him. So I told him it was okay to just start class without her.

Then I knelt down to get eye level with her and calmly, rationally, talked to her for 20 minutes. I gave her examples of how I had to work with boys when I was the only girl, reminded her of how much fun she has with her male classmates at school, expressed my adoration for men using her father as the example of the apex male. All this while I have Sam in the Ergo, crying loudly, snot coming out of his nose, bending his head back in a vain attempt to wriggle out. All this while Joey is crying more loudly, snot coming out of her nose, burying her head into my body so as to not make eye contact with her teacher. All this while every parent, child, and administrator of the YMCA was watching us like an episode of Gossip Girl.

Before I proceed further, I think it is important for me to illustrate the architectual design of the swimming pool area, in order to highlight just how much of an a** I was making of myself. The swimming pool is in a building like a greenhouse. 100% windows from floor to ceiling. On the opposite side of the shared wall between the pool and the front lobby are about three rows of benches and chairs, so all the parents can watch their children during their swim lessons. The view is completely unobstructed and the sound carries perfectly between the pool and the front lobby.

Now where was I??? Oh yes, there was just no getting through to Joey--bribery, threats, the Korean mom evil eye--nothing was working. By now, the class was almost over so I waved the white flag of surrender and tried to convince Joey to go back into the locker room and change back into her clothes. She refused. The only scenario she would accept was to go into the pool with her old teacher. She didn't want to take off her swimsuit, she didn't want a different female teacher, she didn't want her assigned teacher. I tried to pull her by force but that didn't work either. So I put her towel into her hands and walked out to the front lobby without saying a word. When I walked out, 99% of the people suddenly got stiffed neck and pretended to have made no notice of the drama that had unfolded before their eyes. The two YMCA administrators, however, quickly jumped up and went over to Joey telling her that they would call someone to take her to a nice, loving home with a more patient caregiver. I was too busy calling my ob/gyn to make an appointment for tubal ligation to notice. Accepting the fact that I had to take Joey home with me kicking and screaming, I put a helmet on Sam's head (yup, I keep one in the diaper bag for these situations), and went back into the battleground.

Joey still refused to leave the pool and at this point, I needed to get Elysha. So it was like pulling a stubborn mule uphill. I took her arm and walked her slowly out. Every time she pulled back, I held on tight to her arm and said loudly for everyone to hear, "If you pull too hard, you'll dislocate your shoulder and that will really hurt. Remember when I did that to your little sister?" She continued to cry as I picked up Elysha, walked back to the car and drove us home.

These are the days when a drug habit sounds like a great pasttime to pick up. Though my drug of choice is chocolate. If only I could shoot it straight into my veins.