Because I am also a girl (woman, female, whatever), I think I feel a greater responsibility towards my daughters. I remember the difficult years, my struggles with insecurity, self-loathing, how bitchy and emotional female relationships can be, my turbulent relationship with my own mother, the societal expectations that encumbered me because of my gender and being Korean. I want to protect Joey and Elysha from making the same mistakes that I made--not just my stupid actions towards others, but also my despondent thoughts that hurt myself. Granted, if I were to psychologically deconstruct myself, I can blame a number of blatant factors that caused such self-hurt. While I am quite certain that the girls will not have to deal with the same exact issues of parental abandonment and drifting, somehow, insecurity rears its ugly head in the lives of most young women.
So to some degree, my love for the girls is burdened with this sense of responsibility as well as expectations that they not turn out the same way I did. My love for Sam, however, is not weighed down by the same sentiments. Of course, I want him to love God with all this heart, be a functioning member of society, president of the United States--you know--normal ambitions a mother has for her son. But it is not yoked in the same way as my love for the girls. I wonder if Chang feels the same way. Just thoughts that I wanted to put down on "paper..."
How could I not love this widdle face more? ha ha
4 comments:
hahahahaha...i always worry about sillie growing up insecure. i don't want her to be more insecure than "normal"- i wish for her to be oblivious, i guess? just simple and happy :) and i keep thinking about your post with the big words! HAHA! i think i'm the opposite. blogging has shown me that i write the way i talk. very very incorrectly (and sometimes randomly). and nothing more than a couple of syllables length MAX, in my longest word.:) hehehe... i'm impressed with your words tho. makes me whip out my dictionary!
That was quite profound Susan. Not having had girls, I feel burdened in my love for my sons. Particularl Caius since he's old enough to start exhibiting a personality. He is gentle and shy and sensitive like I was. Like Charlie and I both are. And I worry for him.
Although I know if I had a girl, I would worry that she would face the same self-image and insecurities I did, I worry for my sons as well. My brothers had an incredibly hard time growing up; harder than I did. It's hard being a boy, trying to become a man in our society.
But I do wonder how differently I would feel towards a daughter. Hopefully someday I'll find out.
BTW, Sam is SOOOO cute.
OMG! sam looks like YOU suzee! :) awwww i can't wait to hold him
i really liked reading this post, susan. in many ways i feel the same way with carissa and jeremiah even though carissa is still only a baby. oh, and my thoughts are not half as articulate and thought provoking as yours. before i had carissa i would tell people that i would be totally fine with having all boys because i don't know how i would raise a girl when she's growing up into adolescence and beyond. to not let the emotions and sins of my past be passed onto my kids, especially my daughter. (but of course, now that i have a daughter i couldn't be happier that i have a little girl.)
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