Mean Girls

After reading about Phoebe Prince, it got me thinking. As I mentioned before, Joey was having issues at school with her friends. From what her teacher told me, Joey is a part of this group of girls which mostly consists of four girls. Out of these four girls, there is one little girl, O, that everyone just adores. Joey considers this girl her best friend. Trouble is, I think that all the girls consider O their best friend. Another little girl in their group is a very dominant, alpha-female sort of personality, A. Whenever Joey and O were getting close, A would get jealous and be mean to Joey. She would exclude Joey from games, get the other girls to exclude Joey, and say mean things to her.

Every now and then, when I picked up Joey from school, she would tell me that O or A were being mean to her, and I didn't take it too seriously. I would just tell her to walk away, find other people to play with, or that it was okay to play on her own too.

One day when I was picking up Joey from school, she looked really forlorn. She was being comforted by her teacher and was so distracted that she didn't see me coming. I asked what was going on and her teacher told me what was going on for the past few weeks. I felt so bad for Joey that she had to experience such aggressive behavior from other girls. But at the same time, I was surprised that it could all start so young. The teacher informed me that she had emailed A's parents and told them that their daughter's behavior was not acceptable. She didn't think that Joey was culpable and because she is so sweet and sensitive, her teacher thought it made her an easier target for A. So I tried to help Joey cultivate stronger friendships with each of these girls individually. But now I would like to try and help Joey become better friends with other little girls in her class--girls who are not so dominant and aggressive. It's funny because the teacher referred to Joey's little clique as the popular group--already! In kindergarten! Her teacher threw her hands up in the air and with disbelief said that she couldn't believe it started so young. She said that every year, there is a group of girls in her class that are catty and mean. The troubling thing that she said is that it just gets worse--even more reason to get Joey closer to other kids.

I've learned two things from all this: 1) to teach Joey to stand up for herself. As the oldest child, she has been brainwashed to give in to her brother and sister. I think we have always valued sacrifice and admired Joey for her willingness to give up things or privileges to her siblings. But now we have been trying to teach her that it is okay to say no, but just not be mean in her refusal. 2) to teach all three kids the golden rule should be applied in reverse too. We keep harping on the girls especially to treat other people the way they want to be treated. But now I am also telling Joey that she should expect people to treat her with kindness and if they don't, then perhaps those are not friends worth keeping.

Sorry, another brain puking post but it's hard to believe I am dealing with such issues with my kindergartener (not to freak you out Mommy Lim) and it is making me flashforward to the girls' future and hoping and praying that they find good friends. Chances are, the friends they make in their first two years of elementary school will be their closest friends until they graduate 5th grade and possibly beyond. So it isn't entirely neurotic of me to be concerned, right?